Have you ever been in a situation with your mate where he or she says something with a negative tone, and you build a story in your head about it? “There he/she goes!” Or “How can he/she say that?”
Rather than immediately speak out on your feelings about the tone or word choice and move on, sometimes we like to sit in the muck of it in our head and make it worse.
Actually, it’s a natural reaction to want to justify how wrong our mate is for doing what he/she did. Our brains love to feed on the negative.
Although it may not feel natural to nip it in the bud and speak out on what we’ve heard and how we feel about it, that’s exactly what we need to do to be able to address it and move on rather than harbor the hurt.
This is a situation that actually happened yesterday:
My husband had been on the phone with the streaming service, Hulu Live, for 45 minutes (Have we all not been there in some way, shape, or form?)
Our daughter had come over and twice poked her head into the room to get her father’s attention because she wanted to talk with him. After 45 minutes, I became impatient, went into the room and gave him a strong cut it off sign with my hand, swiping across my neck.
Two minutes later, my husband was off the phone and came to me and said, “I really didn’t like when you gave me the ‘get off the phone sign.” I began to switch the subject to the fact that he had spent 45 minutes on the phone while our daughter was over for a limited amount of time.
I heard myself say what I said and quickly shifted gears and realized my approach to my husband was wrong. I was frustrated, but didn’t handle it right. I owned up to it and we let it go and moved on with the day.
These are the steps to letting something go and moving on:
Stop writing the story in your head about your mate’s offense. Give him/her wiggle room to make a different choice or use a different tone than one you would use.
If you have a problem with a choice your mate has made or the tone he/she has used, communicate that right away. Even if your partner doesn’t own it, you can feel good about putting it on the table.
Let me clarify something, if your mate is abusive mentally, emotionally, or physically, these guidelines do NOT apply. These guidelines are for the occasional misstep in your relationship.
So, join the “Wiggle Room Club” and save yourself time and energy!
If you and your partner are feeling more disconnected than aligned, you don’t have to stay stuck in that feeling. I work with couples all the time who wonder if they’re just too different—and together, we uncover what’s really going on underneath. If you’re ready to explore that, I’d be honored to help. You can connect with me HERE.