This month’s Ask Coach Kathy’s question is about how to regain trust after it’s been discovered a husband is viewing porn.
In the last few months, I suspected my husband of viewing porn. When I asked him if he 
was doing that, he said he wasn’t. Then a week later, he left his iPad open with an image from a porn site. I found it, took a deep breath, and showed him the iPad image and asked again if he was viewing porn. He said he was, and admitted he had been doing it for months.
The porn isn’t so much the problem for me. It’s that he hid it and lied to me when I asked him about it. I am deeply hurt. How do I regain trust around this issue with my husband?
There is a phrase, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” What that means is that if someone is hiding something from another, the longer the person keeps the secret, the harder it is to regain the other person’s trust, especially if the betrayed person found the secret. Notice I said “harder,” not impossible.
Once the secret is revealed, the one who lied about it must realize that the natural consequence of him or her keeping a secret is that his or her partner will need certain things to rebuild the trust in the relationship. For example, the person who found the secret will often have questions about how long it was going on, where it was viewed, and what was viewed. Some of these questions may need to be asked more than once for reassurance purposes.
It’s important to look beyond the porn and at the root of why someone is seeking it out. Is the person feeling lonely in the relationship? Could he or she possibly have an addiction to it?
I want to stress here that although, devastating at the time, the relationship can be repaired and will often be stronger than before the secret was discovered. Most often, guidance from a professional is needed to help the couple rebuild trust between them.
Do you have sensitive issues in your relationships that you need help with? Ask Coach Kathy about it. Submit your question below.
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